It's really late now, and I'm feeling bummed for no reason I can put my finger on, and I want to talk about something that I also can't put my finger on. :/

Hmm.

Well, the move went just fine, really. The apartment isn't too bad. One of the kitties hid in the closet the whole time, but I'm sure he'll get over it. I guess he did that the other two times they've moved, too. He was actually hiding behind a vacuum cleaner and I walked over to see how he was doing and he looked really really squished in there, so I moved the vacuum for him but he still didn't want to come out. Oh well. The other two were fine, the tubby was trying to find a good place to lie down and the little one was exploring.

My grandmother is here for a while, not sure how long. She came up today/yesterday. I guess she somehow hurt her back lifting something the other day so she had to get a shot in one of the muscles in her back. Ouchie. But it seems that she's doing a lot better, she's walking fine and everything. My uncle called (she usually lives with him and his family) and told me it's my duty to make sure she lifts nothing. I gave him a "Yes sir," and he barked a "CARRY ON!", which was replied to with a more substantial "YES SIR!" He's a great guy, he's a Marine (so's his wife), a police officer, a detective ... Things went really downhill for him a few years ago when he was suddenly paralysed by a debilitating neurodisease. They gave him medicine for it but that stuff made him gain weight like crazy and swell up real big. But he looked a lot better the last time I saw him (this summer) and from what I hear his disease is in remission and he's doing great. I'm glad, it was so strange seeing such a powerful man having to use a cane to go everywhere. He has a job now patrolling schools in his car at night to make sure nobody is messing around. He doesn't have to confront anyone, he just watches and checks stuff and calls the other cops if there's a problem. I think he's really enjoying it.

My parents have a concert tomorrow at a cafe. They play with a local band (band as in saxophones, trumpets, trombones etc.) and they practise/play every Friday night. My dad actually is in another band that meets Mondays, too. He plays the alto sax, soprano sax, and clarinet. My mom plays alto sax and flute. (I think they both can play tenor sax and my mom can also play clarinet but I'm really not sure. She's just learning flute though.) Actually they used to play when they were in high school and college, but they didn't play any more until I finished high school and quit the marching band. Funny huh! I played alto sax and bari sax. I loved the bari, I love bass. Anyway, about the concert, my grandmother wants to go but of course she wouldn't want to sit by herself so I will probably go. I went to the last concert my parents had and man was it long, I mean like two and a half or three hours. I think my grandmother will enjoy it more than I did because a lot of the music, I only knew because I'd played it in band myself. But most of it, I'm sure my grandmother will recognise. Lots of Glenn Miller stuff. The main thing I'm looking forward to (and I really hope they do it) is the Armed Forces Salute they played at the end last time. Most of the people who stop and listen to the band are older folk, and a lot of them were in the Service. It really made me joyful when one of the older men in the audience started clapping in beat with the Navy part of the Salute.

Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh!
Farewell to college joys, we sail at break of day-ay-ay-ay!
Through our last night on shore, drink to the foam,
Until we meet once more. Here's wishing you a happy voyage home!

Speaking of the Service, and I've already told this to a few people, I really wish I had signed on a few years ago. (Well, at the same time, I don't wish that, because I've learned a lot about myself these past couple years. But anyway....) If America gets involved somewhere else, I think I will sign on if I am able. I want to do something, you know... I'm already planning on getting a government job, and it will be very important and helpful, but a desk job is just not the same as getting out there and fighting for it. We shall see.

On a related note, I had been watching Band of Brothers on DVD this past week with my dad. I really liked it, by the way, and I recommend it highly. Well, anyway, on one of the days while my dad was at work, I was in the mood to watch something like that but we only watched them together, so I went downstairs and pulled out our VHS tape of Saving Private Ryan. I had only watched it once before and although I remembered some things, I had forgotten a lot. So I popped it in...

(If you have never seen Saving Private Ryan, please skip down a few paragraphs to the part where you see _____. I don't want to ruin it for you.)

You know the opening scene, when the older man and his family -- wife, son, daughter-in-law, grandkids? -- are walking on a path... over in Normandy, at the enormous memorial for the soldiers who died there. And the man starts walking ahead a bit and he looks out, and the camera pans, and you just see all those crosses. I don't know, that hit me pretty hard. But then when he falls down and his family starts running to see if he's okay, and he starts sobbing. That hurt me so much. In my young adult life, I have never cried due to a movie, but I came so close, my eyes burned so bad. And since I already knew the end, I knew why he felt that way.

Can you imagine? Standing there and looking at the names of the men who DIED to save you. Gave up their lives for you, just for you. And you're there and you have a spouse and a grown-up kid and beautiful grandchildren, and you were just barely a young adult yourself when these men died, just some Private Nobody. And if they hadn't done that, you probably would have very well have died, yourself, and never met that spouse and gotten married and had a child, who would get married and have children for you to dote upon. It brings an entire new meaning to "saving a life". They didn't just keep you out of danger or protect you from some unforeseen consequences. They literally, LITERALLY gave up their lives, their lovers, their future children and grandchildren, so that you wouldn't have to give up yours.

So with those thoughts very, very prominent in my mind, I watched that elderly man staring at those markers with the saddest eyes, and then snap to attention and give a sharp salute, and once again I found myself as near as I have ever been to crying from a movie.
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Because I know that reality is even harsher and more painful than any movie can portray. When I hear a veteran try to talk about his comrades who died fighting for freedom, it tears at my heart. I can't even imagine what the soldiers from Vietnam and Korea -- and now in Afghanistan and Iraq, what they felt and feel. In World War II, just about everyone in America knew it was U.S. Good, Axis Bad. The cause was just and moral, the reasons were clear and plain. We went to war to protect ourselves and to save the world. But now ... this is different now, in Afghanistan, in Iraq. It was different in Vietnam and Korea. The public is ANGRY! They don't all feel that this is a just war, a war backed by Goodness and Truth. They don't all feel that it's U.S. Good any more. How can a soldier cope with that? How can a soldier come home, having been prepared to pay the ultimate sacrifice (and almost certainly having a close companion who had paid that sacrifice) ... only to be greeted with scorn and contempt? Veterans have dealt with it before, and of course the newest veterans will deal with it now. But how much can they endure? Their friends and brothers and sisters and mentors are DEAD!!, dead fighting a war that so many people think is evil and wrong and unjust. But they did their duty. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair, we know, we all know, but... it's not fair to make someone go through so much anguish. So much pain and fear and sorrow and then say, "You were wrong." What if they are wrong? The Nazis were wrong. Their friends and family died for their cause, too! They suffered, their hopes were shattered, they were defeated! but their cause was evil. Right? And now that we apparently can't decide whether what we're doing is good or evil?... :/ I wish I could go somewhere with this definitively because there is a very important, very basic and primal point to be made, but it's just eluding me. I'm sorry.

I love you all.